the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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