we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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