I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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