why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
