I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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