12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
