I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
