I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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