We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
