life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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