I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
