She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
