If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
