we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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