Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
