I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
