I will die if light touches me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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