i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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