so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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