i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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