I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
