I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
