Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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