Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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