You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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