My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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