I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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