did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
