Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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