His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
