Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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