Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
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I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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