We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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