Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
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So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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