there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you had me at cake vodka
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Pants are for mortals
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
