theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
