Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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