i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this beer tastes like vomit already
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
