I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
