I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
