woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
