I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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