She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
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I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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