I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
