I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
