but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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