Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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