Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
