My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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