my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
