Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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