maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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