Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
