I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
