he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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